Jennifer's story

“I was 36+4 when we discovered our sweet Benny no longer had a heartbeat. His nickname was "happy feet” throughout my pregnancy, a nickname given to him accidentally by my mother. He definitely lived up to his nickname as he liked to kick around early in the morning and wake mommy up before her alarm clock… He was born 17.5 inches and 4 lbs. 1 oz. His face was a carbon copy of mine. For a small guy he managed to inherit daddy’s long legs and big feet… he was the perfect combo of us.

I find that since the retreat I don’t just focus on the pain, sorrow, and emptiness I’ve felt since losing Benny. I was so full of anxiety and felt so so so lost in life. I’ve always been a planner, I need to know what comes next, I need to know outcomes; this is probably why I became a scientist. I learned that I have no control over what happens in my life. I can plan and do everything as “right” as I can, but nothing is ever certain or promised…

I came home feeling like a different person, and Scott has noticed it too. I am able to talk about Benny and not just feel the hurt. I can talk about him and remember and smile at the beautiful times he brought us. I am able to feel warmth and peace when I speak of him. As much as I wish I didn’t have to be a part of this club, I have found so much comfort in knowing I am not alone in this journey. I feel validated in speaking of my little Benny with pride…

My little boy may not be here physically but he is still so much a part of my life and our family, and he always will be. I am able to look at the future and think of it with a bit of positivity… I don’t just dwell on the fact that my little Benny will always be missing. Although I’ll never stop wondering what life would be like with him in it, I find comfort in knowing that when my time does come I know I’ll see him again.“