"It was a normal pregnancy, with all the usual milestones, but at 29 weeks pregnant I called Labor & Delivery after experiencing some cramping. A few days later, my husband and I headed to the hospital just to make sure everything was okay. It was there that they broke the news: I was in labor!
I will always remember seeing my precious baby boy for the first time. The wonder of him. His beautiful face. His tiny hands. His nose that looked just like mine. We named him Saul, a strong name, which means “prayed for”.
Initially, Saul was doing well – he was big for his gestational age, already breathing on his own and taking breast milk! The doctors said there was a 90% chance that he would survive. He was okay, things were looking up. Until they weren’t.
The doctors told us that a brain scan had revealed our worst nightmare: Saul had a grade four IVH brain bleed. Over the next three weeks, we spent our days at Children’s Hospital, coming to terms with the fact that the son we had so badly wanted would not be with us for long.
On June 27, 2014, I was able to hold Saul and give him a bath. I dressed him and brushed his soft, wavy hair. We sang to him. We held our son and told him how much we loved him. That night Saul passed away in our arms at only 20 days old.
There is nothing more painful to the heart, mind, and spirit than experiencing the death of your child. For a long time after Saul’s death, I was barely surviving. It wasn’t until I read Amelia's blog that I began to see a small glimmer of hope. When I found out that she was holding a retreat for baby loss moms, I knew I had to attend if there was any chance for me to move towards thriving. I consider myself extremely blessed to have attended the first Landon’s Legacy Retreat. It was the one place where I could just be myself and have people “get it,” no explanation necessary.
Losing a child puts a mother in the saddest sorority in the world. And while it hurts my heart to know that other women have experienced this intense grief, it helps to know that I’m not alone."